bukkake | eventual cage au [shock]

eventual cage au [shock]

[ As someone who often gets too absorbed in his work, Toma was someone Ed has needed for a long, long time. Living alone and coming home so close to midnight each day, there were only so many hours in a day he could dedicate to properly feeding himself and getting adequate sleep. On the days he did have time, he often spent them buried to his neck in academic material, flipping through book after book for the data he needed. There were too many instances he would forget to eat. He had a healthy appetite too, and this often meant too many embarrassing moments in the library where his stomach acted up. That was how they met. That first time, when Toma offered him something to eat. They became friends after that. Toma would step in where Ed had neglected to care for himself, bringing him food to his apartment, reminding him to get enough sleep and carrying him to bed when he dozed off during those nights they would have sleepovers. This other boy he had met by chance became a sort of family-figure. A sibling. Ed was being cared for, and though he was often rough and abrasive in his words, he appreciated every minute of it.

The bond they shared might have been the reason Ed did nothing to stop the dominoes from falling. What he once thought was a sibling-relationship eventually crossed the boundary of that, entering a new territory he could neither name nor understand. They've kissed. Ed doesn't think he can ever forget that feeling, the flutters he felt in his chest as he gave his first kiss away to someone else. It wasn't unwelcome. It didn't feel wrong. That's why he let the relationship escalate more; into lingering touches, kisses at other intimate places, and an eventual arrangement where they stayed together. Everything seemed to be going well.

At least, until Ed's habits started to weigh down on things. He's always been an independent person. He rarely had to answer to anyone, so he moved wherever he wanted to, did whatever he wanted to, and showed up whenever he wanted to. This meant many nights where he would promise to come home yet only appear in the dead of night. Sometimes he didn't return at all because of this exciting new progress in his experiments or that interesting book he found in the library. Sometimes he traveled outside town looking for a book he wanted without telling a soul about his whereabouts. It's not something a lot of people will tolerate. Ed just isn't sensitive enough to see any wrong in it.

Today is another such instance.

It's 2AM into the night. From the outside of the door, there's this distinctive sound of keys clinking. The doorknob turns soon after, and the door creaks open. It's Ed. He's finally returned home. The only problem is that he's a good 5 hours late from the time he had originally promised, and he hadn't even bothered to give a call. These things just don't occur to him with how absorbed he gets into his research.

He doesn't expect Toma to be awake, so he enters the house without any other sound, letting out a large yawn and stripping himself of his coat ]

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[ from the start, he presumes there was an unprecedented spark between them. a fate or predestination that attracted them to one another. whether he was initially ignorant to it or not, or whether he viewed it with a transparent, yet vague sense of dubiety or not. even now that initial lure and pull hadn't dissipated in the slightest. while toma appeared self-possessed and in full control of his emotional breadth, with ed... he felt a lot more passion. a lot desire and yearning.

which, perhaps, only made logical and rational sense considering their current relationship. (no, it doesn't because he's a notome.)

to be honest, it was kind of nice to fall back on titles. to hold a position in someone's life, as convoluted as the terms often are. the terms of dating, that is. or more accurately, of being ed's boyfriend. toma found solace in the idea of being a solid foundation for the other to rely on. a place for ed to drop a bit of metaphorical weight upon. even if it did often come with nearly coercive persuasion of physical sustenance. though, with the other male's arduous studies and his penchant to be obsessive over it, god knows he needed it.

nevertheless, once again, toma appreciated that aspect of their dynamic. the fact that he could provide freely and readily without being stifled by labels such as "pushy" or "clingy." as... apt as those words may have been in theory. or, as real to his inner character as they were. but, precisely because of this, he did his best to suppress these negative traits. perpetually attempting to remain the supportive and progressive "older brother" figure he once assured he was... all while casting aside the more petty and vulnerable parts of him. to some degree, it may have been emotionally compromising to him. even more so with the addition of certain circumstances. ones involving ed's potential drifting away from him, that is.

sometimes he doesn't even attach it to scholarships or academic pursuits. sometimes he wonders if ed just wanted to leave him behind entirely.

sometimes he really does just think it's on purpose.

derived from such sentiments, on some days, toma feels his limits creeping up on him. can feel his patience wearing thin to the core and his emotions flaring beneath the surface. while he often justifies them by attaching words of concern to them, or by lacing them in other attractive expressions, he's also just as aware of the fact that this was just the culmination of his own insecurities. even now, he's staring at the clock. again. constantly.

in some ways it seems like he's stuck on loop or repeat. like he's been living in the same time for an eternity, or that he's been going through the same motions since forever. it's an exaggeration, obviously, but it doesn't stop him from thinking it or feeling it.

he's supposed to finish up his report for his civics lesson, but he doesn't even feel up to it. instead, he sits in front of the light of his computer, his fingers completely dull and unmoving. they only twitch as the familiar sound of clinking. of keys to the door, and then he's moving. albeit, a bit numbly. ] Ed?

[ there is no welcome home this time. while he's been fairly tolerant prior to this other than the small mentions of "you should at least give me a call," this time he can't hold his tongue. can't keep his temper in check. immediately when ed comes in, he's standing in the dimly lit living space. ]

What time do you think it is!?

Edited 2015-02-14 14:14 (UTC)

[ Because Toma has kept a lid on his more volatile side so far, Ed - the trusting type who rarely looked deeper into the interactions with the people close to him - had taken his outer persona on complete face value. To him, Toma was a nice, supportive and fairly patient guy. Ed had never seen him flare up in the past. If asked to name the things that irritated Toma, he might not even be able to make a very extensive list.

That's why there's some ... surprise when the other boy raises his voice, and Ed stills in his place, blinking at him. Then, he slips into something more sheepish. It's true that he had promised to come home earlier after all. ]

Yeah, I know it's late. [ He scratches at the back of his neck, gaze shifting away from Toma. Guilty. ] My ... specimens were finally reacting, so I couldn't just leave. Sorry.

[ With that, Ed assumes the conversation is resolved. While he knows he's in the wrong, he doesn't think it's that big a deal.

He hadn't expected Toma to actually wait for him, so he made his decision under the assumption that he wouldn't inconveniencing Toma too much with his later return. He didn't know the other boy would actually go through the trouble. That ... made him feel a little bad. But he's also done his apologies? Ed takes a few steps forward in the direction of the bedroom, simply moving on. ]

[ while normally small, but genuine apologies tended to go a fairly long way with toma— this wasn't exactly typical of him. from the outburst to the dispersal of his frustrations, there isn't a single semblance of the usual toma. his brows are furrowed, his fists tight. enough that knuckles could have been evidently shaded white in tension were it not for the elusive cover of the night and clear lack of proper lighting.

moreover, even his jaw seems locked in place as he remains eerily silent. this isn't petulance or a transitory argument, as one could have easily detected at this point. this was far more serious. held a lot more gravity and bearing. at least... one-sidedly. honestly, if anything, the other's dismissal only edges his irritation further. it does nothing to nurse the apprehension and it does everything to teeter him closer to an even more precarious form.

it's also when ed takes a step to the living room, that toma takes immediate action. he reaches over. his grip almost too firm. it's far removed from the usual gentleness and tenderness he tended to display. he squeezes even tighter to assert his intentions of not letting go. ] I'm not done talking! Specimens or not, that's...

[ not the point. it's so off base with what his expectations are that he almost finds it humorous. at least in an ironic, sardonic, and absolutely cynical kind of manner. he grits his teeth for a few seconds, as if formulating his next words. which aren't released with even one-fourth the eloquence he may have intended. ] You couldn't even call to let me know?!

[ Though he couldn't see the white of Toma's knuckles, he could certainly feel them in the other boy's iron grip. It was something unrelenting, something that dug into his flesh and trembled at his skin with a volatile kind of tension. The anger that seemed to course through Toma's entire system was almost something tangible, when they shared that contact. While Ed has dealt with rougher handling, there's something about being held that way that deeply alarms him. It's unsettling, watching the form in front of him; how it wore the face of the gentle and sweet man he knew yet nothing about the demeanor and actions reminded him of that man. There's a moment where Ed only stares, eyes wide with disbelief. He looks younger in this moment. Much like some child who can't seem to fathom why something is happening.

Then, reasoning sets in, and the expression on his face appears to dull. He settles into his regular demeanor, golden eyes burning once more with defiance as they always did when people challenged him. There's always been an stubbornness to Eds's core character. He's a hard-headed person impossible to intimidate to the point of submission.

So he talks back. He knows he's in the wrong, but he doesn't think this strong reaction is warranted. ]

Look, it slipped my mind, alright? I know it's my fault. [ An attempt is made to shake his wrist out of Toma's grip. ]

But let me go already! What's with you? You're acting so weird!

[ the attitude the other brazenly exhibits only serves to further fuel his dismay over their present disagreement. while, cogently, he comprehends the fact that his postulations are undoubtedly just inwardly bred, it doesn’t cease his cerebrum from reacting to each minute detail written across ed’s face, or the statements he releases to visibly rile him up. even as ed not-so-graciously admits fault, toma shows absolutely no signs of seeming even remotely appeased by it. if anything, he seems utterly unaffected, unaltered, and regrettably— unmoved. there’s almost a certain quality of stagnancy to the ambiance around him and the unforgiving vibe he inevitably exudes. all of which leads up to his next conclusion. ]

So… [ he starts off inaudibly. his voice descending into a lower timbre. the resonance of his vocal chords particularly hushed as he nearly digs his nails into ed’s arm. attempting to solidify his hold over him. whether he intended this to be merely physical, or if it were meant to be metaphorical, however, evades all of his analytical endeavors. ] You’re saying once you step outside you don’t even think of me? That I’m just something that slips your mind. [ that, he… was an individual that was easily forgotten when compared his ambition and drive. perhaps, even from those who could adequately match that and traverse down a similar path. he closes his eyes, releasing some of the tension. ]

… weird? [ he almost laughs at that. bitterly, that is. ]

[ Ed frowns with curiosity as he listens to Toma, waiting to hear whatever conclusions he's made. What does come out registers to him only as wrong, wrong, wrong. ]

That's not what I said at all! You're turning things around! [ The need to clarify himself makes him burst out into fluster, his retort coming out as a heated exclamation. Toma had twisted his words there. It's plain as day. That sows a seed of indignation in his chest. There's hurt, too, that Toma would even consider it as a possibility when Ed does think about him and make the most of the time that they have together. He's always felt secure in their relationship, so he doesn't know why all this was coming up now. It was a simple mistake. Just another instance of Ed being shitty at communication, as he is with most people he knows.

Toma's grip is strong, but Ed possessed a considerable strength too. After much twisting and struggling, he finally manages to shake his wrist out of the other boy's fingers. There is evidence of the force exerted that remains around his wrist -- crescent-shaped indents in the flesh and a slight redness around them. It doesn't hurt too much, but the fact that they're there at all hurts in another way. Toma's always been gentle with him. Ed rubs at his wrist with his other hand, looking up at Toma and attempting to study the situation. ]

You aren't usually like this. [ That's why he said it was 'weird'. ] Did something happen while I was gone?

[ even the fortitude of the other's interjections, or the ire embedded within it does little to faze or persuade him. they're effectively cut by his more dogmatic self-proclamations. ones dealing with his own self image. ones that continually resisted against the amorous gestures that might have solidified the stability of their bond, otherwise.

in hindsight, while this bout in and of itself may have been a shocking encounter, a reasonable amount of what was occurring now may have been foreseeable. especially with how suppressed and indisputably inhibited toma was. it may have originally been derived from his own personal selection (and his desire to remain valued and treasured), but it didn’t alter the result it had on his psyche. nor did it amend or convert the truth of his shortcomings. which, was… infuriating to say in the least. so much so that he’s blind to ed’s impending hurt in all of this. it’s also why he decisively disregards the other’s exclamations. opting to take it with a grain of salt and view it as nothing beyond poorly crafted alibis. first he draws out a short syllable. a sound of judgment. ] Am I.

[ he’s asking, but he’s not… actually asking. it’s not made in inquiry as much as it is a way to reject those few sentences. he even turns away. his gaze averted, if just to conceal his increasingly conflicted expression. except, he halts half way. his peripherals still on ed as he hears those last words of concern. … or what he thinks to be concern. he looks mildly surprised for a few seconds before it stiffens back into something marginally more neutral. ] Not usually like this? Then what am I...

[ he shakes his head. his grip loosening slightly as he continues. ] Don't tell me you're suddenly worrying about me now.

[ Of course he's worried. Anyone would be, when the person they're so close to suddenly gets this worked up over something so seemingly routine. This isn't the first time he has come home later than promised, and though he had a feeling the act peeved Toma just a little, he still cannot see how it warranted this kind of rage. It's like Toma had went from zero to a hundred in terms of his ire, and it just didn't seem appropriate to the situation.

Something still stings inside from when Toma had made that assumption of him. He doesn't know why it stings - he honestly never expected a thing like that to affect him - but having his dedication be doubted so carelessly conjured up a persistent sinking feeling. He tries to ignore the feeling. Toma wasn't acting like himself so perhaps he wasn't feeling well.

The wise thing to do would be to admit to the fact that he was concerned and handle the situation diplomatically. It's really, really hard for Ed to voice out what he feels, though. Instead, he says the wrong things all over again. ]

I'm saying it's just a small issue. You wouldn't usually get so worked up.

[ the concept of the other male prospectively fretting or stewing over toma's current behavior was alleviating in some manner of speech. it made him feel... a bit guilty. as if he had truly overreacted. as if he allowed his faulty state of mind to overrule the actuality of the predicament at hand. this sudden recognition made him ponder more on what ed may have been feeling in regards to all of this strife. if he may have been turned off entirely. or, if he could have been detrimentally affected by his rage induced commentary.

this in check with the fact that his clutch over the other male's arm was notably severe (even though, presently, minimized in intensity), only made him feel like kind of an ass. ... then for ed to even shed any semblance of care after all that. especially, with how skeptical toma has been in a response to whatever words ed had dished out thus far. however, it's promptly in tune with these light shifts in perspective that he's garnered with the worst comeback possible.

it's in this single moment that all his feelings of sympathy or remorse are done away with. dispersed and instead replaced by the same agitation that ignited this less than savory discussion. he narrows his eyes a bit as he replies in tune. ] Oh? So it's a small issue to you.

I guess that's all it comes down to. In the end, you just don't want to be here.

[ They're going in circles. Deep down, he knows this. But just because he knows it doesn't mean he can stop it from happening. It doesn't mean hes able to separate himself from his own stubbornness, stop the cogwheel from turning. His point isn't getting across, and rather than back out of the petty argument, he feels the need to keep driving it forward. ]

No! You're twisting my words around again! [ Nothing about that is true, and he's flabbergasted trying to conceptualize how Toma had made that jump in conclusion. ] When the hell did you become so difficult?!

I didn't know taking your words at face value would be considered something like that.

[ being moderately more unhindered in his negative projections, he affirms his stand on the matter pointedly. accusatorially. unobstructed by the extraneous meditations that his mind tended to factor in. this is probably what factored into ed's whole spiel on him overreacting and not behaving in sync with his typical self, but even knowing that, he doesn't necessarily care to explore the notion.

either way, he smiles. one that was substantially more malicious than he'd like. ] To begin with, between you who can't even keep a simple promise and me, I wonder who's really being difficult.

I said I was sorry! How long will you go on about this? [ He usually likes it when Toma smiles, but there's something about this one that he doesn't like. It almost looked mocking, and it only served to rile Ed up even further. He was hoping they could drop the topic and move on because it honestly felt like a small matter, but now they continue to go in circles. He had to end it. And he doesn't intend to end it by backing down. ]

Forget it. I'm going out again. You can do whatever you want. [ With that, Ed turns, motioning to pick up his bag again. ]

[ honestly, even as ed continues to spew the most unsympathetic phrases and inquiries, toma doesn't resent him or a single word he says. ed was ed, after all. this level of persistence was expected. plus, if he had to be frank, all the things he disliked were inwardly focused to an extent. it had little to do with ed and everything to do with his own self-loathing. while ed wasn't exactly equipped with normal people considerations (i.e. you have legs), he more than made up for in other shows of his warmth and concern. he liked that straightforward part of him. how perspicuous he was sometimes. at least with how explosive his reactions tended to be, and yet... toma couldn't see anything right now. ed. or himself.

was this what people called self-destructive?

not withstanding the fact he was being atrociously passive aggressive in his previous lines, it immediately halts the second those last assertive quips hit him. going out again? where? for what purpose? to upset him? to prove a point? ... simply because he desired to?

wasn't that essentially the same as ed leaving? ]

Where— [ as ed's figure retreats and only his back is displayed, all toma can really manage to do is bite back down on every inconsiderate and less than savory assumption on the tip of his tongue. no, maybe that wasn't quite true. maybe they just wouldn't come out. no matter how much effort he exerted. ]

[ "where are you going!?!" he half wants to ask. but, he finds he's too scared to.

too afraid to hear and the response. too unprepared for its consequences.

so, he doesn't. instead, he stands in the same positioning, his eyes now focused on the floor. ] ...

[ In his bluster, Ed doesn't even hear the almost-question. He simply grabs his bag and storms off, disappearing into the quiet night. He isn't leaving to prove a point. Passive aggressive gestures like that were not in his modus operandi. He's simply leaving because he feels like they'll be stuck in the hall for the rest of the night if they continued their pointless arguing. Leaving is also the easier thing to do. He wouldn't have to deal with the ensuring tension in the house that would be present if he stayed. Maybe he's taking the easy way out.

After a good round of pointless wandering, Ed decides to make the university lab his temporary residence. Sleeping under the desk isn't comfortable, but he didn't have many options available to him.

Though he doesn't come back for most of the night, he does return eventually. Toma might find Ed letting himself into the house the next day. The first thing he does help himself to the shower, shedding himself of yesterday's clothes and slipping into something more comfortable.

There's a yawn after that. He looks tired. His neck is aching from the cramped space he had to sleep in and it feels like he barely had a wink. Despite his exhausted look, Ed does appear to have calmed. That might be why he came back at all. ]

[ in situations like these it was typically the protocol for both parties to return to the point of conflict with newfound tolerance and acceptance. for each individual to come bearing a fresher perspective on one another's mindset and preconceived notion. with a more indulgent attitude, no less. except, it isn't quite that simple. for one, it was difficult to call it "returning" to a dispute when it's like neither left. or more like, as if toma hadn't.

since his last thought, he hardly strayed from his spot. he remained stagnant. more mentally than physically. actually, thinking back to ed's actions was enough to drive him mad. he really left. no remorse. no more words. a more logical part of toma chides in reminder that the other probably needed space. that he likely spent his hours back at the university buried neck deep in books until he finally weaseled in some restless slumber. except, there was always that secondary fear that ed left for good. that he had cut himself off from toma emotionally. that he wouldn't lean on him or rely on him anymore. that he wouldn't view him as an essential piece in his life anymore. or... maybe, that was inaccurate. perhaps, he never did and it was all a egoistic misconception on his part.

it's these thoughts that divided him clearly from sleep. kept his eyes barely open, half-lidded as he stared at the remains of his report. when he finally decided to sleep, he made residence at his spot on the floor, near the bleary light of his computer screen. he's not sure if he slept. if he did, he couldn't feel it. his mind was far too active and took him to too many different places for him to even have considered it as any form of comfort or relaxation. so when he hears the door, he doesn't react at first. he suspects it might have been a slip in combining his yearnings with reality. it's also why when he doesn't even bat an eye when he hears the shower running. the familiar lull nearly putting him to slumber, only.

then he catches a glimpse of ed from the corner of his eyes. his yawning posture so familiar that he could almost shed tears. it's not just an expression, either. he's mixed with such a variety of emotions that it's nearly overwhelming, and not entirely in the same manner had it last night, either. honestly, he's so out of loop with what's occurring and sorting out his feelings that he's not quite sure which sentiment would dominate the current predicament. or which one he'd act on. ] — ! [ he nearly falls over while trying to get up. his clothes disheveled from night before. ] ... it's just like you not to say a word when you come back.

[ this time, his voice is as usual. it's not accusatory, either. it's difficult to say if that comes from lack of sleep or not, however. either way, he also seems calm. or maybe weary and downright exhausted were better terms. at least it leads up to one good thing: ] Welcome home.

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